Why are teenagers so difficult, challenging, changeable, unpredictable, moody, rebellious, rude and generally miserable? The answer is simple. They are fighting for their individuality. These behaviour and emotions that we see all form part of their struggle with crucial developmental challenges unique to being a teenager. If a teenager is not fighting, something is wrong. The focus should therefore not be on making teenagers reasonable, compliant and adult-like. Our role is to allow them this fight, not take it personal, provide clear boundaries, give lots of love, and above all, not be pulled into the fight.
The most important developmental task for teenagers is learning to say “no”. Are you able to say “no” in your life, work and relationships? Learning to say “no” enables the emergence of the sense of self, of individuality. And this goes hand in hand with the experience and expression of intense and mixed emotions, which includes anger. The “fire” of anger kindles the light of individuality which enables the young person to say “no”. Unless they learn to say “no”, they will never truly say “yes”. In this struggle teenagers will be unreasonable, take risks and make mistakes. They will get into trouble, say things that are not very nice, and generally do some really stupid things. This is normal.
Teenagers are in transition, and this is often difficult to understand for them, their parents, teachers, and so on. This means that they are not adults. It is very important to remember this. As adults we should be careful of too many and too high expectations. Teenagers are generally under an enormous amount of pressure. And this is when we see the emergence of self-harm, suicide, aggression, drug use, and so forth. Many of the mental health problems that emerge later in life can be traced back to the inability to fight the fight of being a teenager, of learning to say “no”, and of finding one’s limits. It is the time when the people that are the most irritating and annoying to the teenager are actually the most important. Don’t expect any thanks.