Parents are sometimes scared of making mistakes in raising their children. The problem is that making “mistakes” is unavoidable. It is impossible to get it “right” if “right” means everyone is always happy and smiling and your kids never fight or argue with you or anyone else. Children need to struggle with you because they develop through the act of resistance against what you do, what you say and what you stand for. This is crucial for making sense of the frustrations of parenting. The task for parents is therefore not to raise perfect kids, but to provide a consistent and caring containment for the struggle of growing up. Think of a seed. It needs the resistance of the soil around it to germinate and grow properly.
Having said that, there are some “mistakes” which can be avoided and have serious consequences. One such mistake is not having clear adult-child and parent-child boundaries and roles. Adults and parents have a responsibility for providing structure and love. To expect a child to grow up without clear boundaries usually result in an escalation of behaviour that is out of control, or comments such as the child being manipulative. In addition, it is important for children to be protected from adult responsibilities. A child should not be expected to take on tasks of an adult and parent, such as emotionally supporting one parent, being involved in fights between adults, and so forth. However, it is important to remember that clear and firm boundaries should always be accompanied by love and emotional nurturance.
Parents often want to protect their kids. They feel they should not let their children see them when they are angry, anxious or sad. Other parents feel children should see and hear everything that they experience. Both of these extremes create problems. Children who are sheltered too much never gets the chance to learn to cope with difficult emotions. In addition, they often come to feel certain emotions are shameful and abnormal because they never see others expressing them. On the other hand, children who are exposed to too much, sometimes feel they have to be strong for their parents who may not be able to contain their own intense emotions. They become “little helpers” helping friends and family, but unable to deal with their own distress
The key points of importance are age-appropriate roles, clear and consistent boundaries, and love. Love referring to warmth and acceptance of the person that the child is at all times, even though specific behaviour may not be accepted.